


Hurt

by faraandmera



Series: Pain-Verse [5]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Pre-Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:59:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22313335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faraandmera/pseuds/faraandmera
Summary: “No- sorry. I’m sorry. I should- class.” Evan spins too quickly for Connor to stop him. Stumbles away, as Connor stands there.He’s long out of sight- the hallways empty as classes go on- before Connor breathes a sigh.“What’s wrong with him?”What’s wrong with me?
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy
Series: Pain-Verse [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/764847
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50





	Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> It ya boy  
when you can't think of what happens next in a series, just rewrite parts of it from a different perspective, right?  
while you don't have to read Pain to get this (this only covers Chapter 1 of that) it will tell you what's going on with Evan during this.

_“You’re the freak,”_ Connor says. Venom laces his tone, only just covering what he feels, deeper down. Pain. _Hurt_. He pushes the feeling back- ignores it- and further pushes back any guilt when Evan hits the ground. When he notices- or, registers, really- the other’s broken arm.

Connor runs. Not literally- he walks away. Leaves Evan there, on the ground. Runs away from his actions.

Connor must really be a terrible person, he thinks. Mentally laughing at himself, humorlessly.

A bell rings. Classes Connor doesn’t care to make it too. Who cares, anyway? By the end of the day, he might be- will be-

“Are you okay?” The voice startles Connor. He snaps his attention to Evan- obviously having run after him- and glares. _No_. _Of course not_. How could he be?

“What is _that_ supposed to mean?” Anger. Connor focuses his voice- his mind- on anger. Instead of the fear filling his chest. That question could only be asked if it _seemed_ like something was wrong with Connor. But he _couldn’t_ know. They barely know each other.

“I- I just- I mean- you seemed u-upset?”

“Upset?” The word feels wrong, on his tongue. Lacking.

“I mean- I- I’m sorry.”

“Is that it?” Another halfhearted question from someone who doesn’t care. Connor glances away, shortly. Waits for a response- an argument, a denial, an agreement. Something to justify his anger.

“No!” Connor barely keeps from jumping. Eyes move back to Evan, who's avoiding looking at Connor. “I mean- I just- I’m not trying to say there’s- I mean.” Evan sighs. “Do you need help?”

_Help._ Connor looks away, again.

Nobody has helped him in the years since-

“No- wait! I mean n-not that I think there’s something wrong with- I just mean-”

“You think there’s something wrong with me?!” Connor cuts Evan off. Evan flinches, and Connor almost feels guilty. (Almost feels the way he does every time Zoe looks at him.) But Evan thinks there’s something wrong with Connor. Maybe he really _does_ think Connor is a freak. _Of course he does._

Who wouldn’t?

“You called me a freak.”

“What, you want me to apologize?” He wants to. Connor pushes _that_ feeling back, too. If he hasn’t apologized to his mother, or to Zoe, he’s not apologizing to _Evan_ of all people. What would be the point? Let them think he’s a monster.

He scoffs. He might be. 

“No that’s not- I’m sorry. I just- you’re right?” Connor’s mind stops. Thoughts freeze, and he stares. “I’m ill- I mean- mentally? R-right? Well, I just- there are t-things you pick up on with other people who are- that also-”

Evan keeps speaking, but Connor doesn’t hear him. He’s _ill_, huh? _Sick?_ Connor’s brain catches up with the words, and his chest aches. Could he _get it_, really? Understand? Would he- at least- feel sorry when Connor disappears?

“You… think I’m sick?”

“Yes.” Yes, he says. Connor should be angry, again. But the feeling wont reach him. Yes, he says. Years of disbelief from those closest to him, and this person he barely knows said _yes_. “I mean- well… no. That is what I mean. I don’t- I don’t think you’re like- a freak or anything. So- I just- if you want to talk to someone…”

“You think I’d talk to _you?”_ The word _you_ comes out harsher than he means for it to. He wants to take the sentence back, change it. _Can I talk to you? Would you believe me? Would you hate me?_

“No- sorry. I’m sorry. I should- class.” Evan spins too quickly for Connor to stop him. Stumbles away, as Connor stands there.

He’s long out of sight- the hallways empty as classes go on- before Connor breathes a sigh.

“What’s wrong with him?”

_What’s wrong with me?_

Connor seeks Evan out, without really thinking about it. In the computer lab, alone, Evan prints something. It’s an opportunity, so Connor picks it up. One glance- there’s Evan’s name- confirms it, so he turns to Evan.

“So…” Connor looks at Evan, a short glance at his arm, then back to Evan’s face. “What happened to your arm?”

Evan startles , mumbling filler words while Connor fills with regret. What is he even _doing?_ “I- um- fell out of a tree, actually.”

“Fell out of a tree?”

“Yeah.”

“Well that’s just about the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Y- I know.”

“Uh-” Connor looks away, again. Then back to Evan. “No one’s signed your cast.”

“No- I- I know.”

“I’ll sign it.” A small proof Connor existed. For the one person who noticed. Connor steps forward as Evan says something about Connor not needing to. “You have a sharpie?”

Evan hands a sharpie over, and Connor signs his cast. It fills one side of the cast. Were this anyone else, that’d probably be an issue, but if Connor is the first- only- signature, who really cares?

“Oh- great.” Evan stares it for a second too long. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, well.” Connor motions vaguely, unsure what to say. Fumbles for words. “Now we can both pretend we have friends.”

_I wont die alone._

“Yeah.”

“Um- so- this is yours, right?” Connor holds up the paper, for Evan. He didn’t really look at it before- name aside- and only notices what it actually says just as Evan grabs it.

_I’m so _**_**stupid** _ ** _. I don’t know why I even bother. Who goes up to someone and says “hey I’m sick lets be sick together” what was I thinking? Why can’t I just act like a normal person for once in my life. Oh, right, because I’m a _**_**disaster** _ ** _._

And, further down:

_I mean, let’s be honest. Nobody even knows I’m here._

Further, still:

_Nobody would even noticed if I just disappeared._

Connor glares at the paper. Evan yanks it out of his hand, and his glare remains on the empty space. Words too much like things he’s felt strike harshly at his chest. Was this some sort of joke? There was no way Evan... “What is that?”

“I- it’s just an assignment.”

“Assignment?” _For what?_

“From- it’s- for therapy? I have to- they’re- never mind. Sorry.”

“Therapy?” Bitterness worms it’s way into his voice. Then someone must believe Evan, huh? How’s that fair? Why? Why don’t they believe _Connor?_

“Yeah.”

“You…” Connor looks back up, eyes trailing Evan’s broken arm again. “Fell.”

“Huh?”

“Your arm,” Connor starts, finally looking up at Evans face, “you said you fell. From a tree.”

“O-oh.” Evan doesn’t look at him. “Right. I said that. That is what I said happened, yes.”

“You sure do feel the need to say, _“I said that_,” don’t you?” Who’s he trying to convince? Connor? Himself?

“Huh?” Evan wrings his hands together. “No- I just- it is. What I said, I mean. Or- I mean- what happened?”

“Is it?”

“Technically.”

There it is. “Right.” Connor sighs, looks away. _Hypocrite_. How is Connor supposed to talk to him, if he refuses to be honest with Connor? What did Connor _expect?_ Did he really think someone would honestly understand- talk to him- about this? After all this time? Silence stretches on. But…

What would it hurt? What does he have to lose?

It’s not like he can get any _worse_, considering… today’s supposed to be his last.

“Were you serious?”

Evan jumps at the question. “Wha- about what?”

“Being sick. Talking. That shit you were saying earlier.”

“Oh! Yes. I- um- yeah. Like I couldn’t fix anything, but- I just- I think it’d be nice to talk to someone else who gets it? You know?” Yes. Evan’s eyes meet Connors for the first time. “’Cause- like- I mean my therapist is… fine, and my mom cares b-but they aren’t- they don’t also feel… this.”

Evan motions vaguely, but Connor nods. Larry’s words- _he’s just doing this for attention-_ echo in his mind. Other people don’t get it. “I get… half of that.”

“Oh… good.” Silence. “So- uh-”

“This isn’t some kind of stupid fucking joke, is it?” It can’t be, after all this, right?

“No!” Connor opens his mouth to respond, but Evan keeps going. Seeming not to be able to stop his next words from tumbling out. “I dropped myself from a forty foot tree. I’m not go-going around pulling pranks on people about s-stuff like this.”

“So, “_fell_,” huh?”

“Oh god.” Evan slams his hands over his mouth, then flinches when that probably sends pain through his broken arm. Connor almost laughs. “Y-you can’t- please don’t tell anyone. They’ll think I’m worse and then they’ll-” Evan forces himself to a stop before Connor has to stop him.

“I’m not going to tell anyone. Just…” Connor closes his eyes, then opens them, looking away. “Stop freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out!”

Connor huffs out something that’s almost a laugh. “You kind of are.”

“I’m not!” Connor turns back, raising an eyebrow at Evan, who seems to realize how unconvincing that is. He clears his throat. “Okay, a little? I’m sorry.”

“You apologize a lot.”

“Sorry.” Evan sighs. Connor’s almost jealous that he can do that. Apologize so easily. It’s probably a problem for Evan, but Connor- “Yeah, I know.”

Connor doesn’t know how to continue, so he excuses himself. “Well I should…be… going home.”

“Ri-right.”

“See ya.”

Connor returns home, avoiding Larry, barely acknowledging his mom, not seeing Zoe. Returns to his room- untouched since he left- and stares at his desk. With a sigh, he pulls open one of the drawers, and pulls out a bag. Horded pills stolen from his parents over weeks upon months. Every time he thought about it, but didn’t have the will to do it. He sneaks into the bathroom across the hall, and dumps them. Determined for only a minute to give Evan's idea a chance. Realizes a moment later what he's doing, and runs a hand through his hair.

“You better not be fucking with me, Hansen."

Connor finds Evan early the next day, next to lockers. “Hey, Hansen,” He says, trying to keeps his tone neutral. Still, Evan startles, crashing into the lockers next to him. Connor sighs. Is this really the person who had the audacity to tell Connor- to his face- he thought he was sick?

Evan breathes a sigh, realizing it’s Connor. “Yes?”

“Um…” Connor shifts on his feet. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He straightens the bag on his shoulder, searching for something. “Good morning?”

“Oh.” A pause. “Good… morning?”

They suck at his, Connor decides. “Listen.” Connor’s jaw tenses, annoyance hitting him despite himself. He tries to say what he means without being how he _usually_ is. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing? How the, “friend and-or mutually sick person,” shit works, okay?”

“I don’t either!” The words come out so jumbled Connor barely deciphers them. Nods, and watches Evan look relieved. They _really_ suck at this. “Wait are we- you said- friends?”

Friend, right. He said that. “Yeah? Why not. We can pretend, at least? I mean that was the point of signing that, wasn’t it?” Connor motions to Evans arm, getting a nod in response. Neglects to mention it being proof Connor existed, now that he threw that plan down the toilet.

“R-right.” Evan stares at his hands, and Connor looks away. Barely catches Evan’s whispered, “first friend.”

“What?” He knows Evan probably hadn’t meant to say it aloud, but the words hit strangely. That isn’t true. It can’t be.

“Huh? What?”

“You said, “first friend.”

“Oh. I did?” A muttered curse. “S-sorry I just- I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”

“Isn’t that bullshit, though?” Connor scoffs, thinking about the one person he’s even seen Evan with. The asshole who called Connor a _freak_, just the day before. “You’re friend with-”

“I’m not.” Connor frowns at Evan. He’s not? Since when? “If you mean Jared- I mean- we’re _family friends_. And t-that’s not the same thing. Which he likes to remind me of.” There’s a hurt in his tone makes Connor think there must be more too it, than just that. “E-even then, that’s all I’ve got. So.”

Evan shrugs, and Connor nods.

“So, first friend. Or-”

“First friend, then,” Connor agrees, nodding. Evan breathes out a sigh, his relief clear. He smiles, and at once Connor thinks maybe this _is_ a good idea. Friendship, or whatever the fuck this is.

If someone can smile in his presence for the first time in so long, maybe that means something. His first friend since middle school- maybe earlier. Someone to prove he’s more than his screaming, maybe.

Even if he doesn’t keep it up, maybe someone will miss him when he’s gone.

**Author's Note:**

> back at it again with the only posting the middle of the night  
but hey, i kinda have a sleep schedule now, so there's that?  
oh there's a pain-verse discord, btw  
its not v active bc there's like 4 of us an i, ever the awkward person, can't initiate conversation on my own serves so ripo
> 
> i don't know that i'll do more than this, since connors intermission acted as a connors-perspective-on for Pain, but.  
btw the offical upload of Part Of Me, those lyrics are slightly different than the old bootleg recording, right? i'm not crazy?


End file.
